This is not a dream post, but having nowhere else to put it, here it goes.
The worst part of schizophrenia is living a lie. Hiding it, why? Because nearly everyone I know tells me I should, and God forbid people at work found out. But, if no-one speaks out things will never change.
My schizophrenia is pretty well controlled, but any emotional stress and it goes off…or it can and my own self expectation can’t make it spiral downwards.
Today there was an incident at work, a very minor and trivial thing. Except it wasn’t, it meant that my assumptions as to what relationships I had built there were wrong. Someone got angry at me, I got angry at them.
Expectation and anticipation of catastrophe. I started to spiral. I started to hallucinate, here that age old voice telling me I was worthless and nobody cared less about me. What happened was to be expected, because it was all my fault, no less than I deserved.
Already angry, plus hallucinating, I was a dream employee…anything would make the vile, spiteful Arkangel rise up. Ready to sabotage me and bring me down…all to prove a point.
And then of course, come the helpful comments. Such as this gem:
“I better give you a wide berth or you will snap at me, you get angry very easily. Ha ha ha”. Hilarious. And oh! so helfpful.
With very few people knowing what’s really going on I felt trapped and cornered. What to do? Speak to someone, was the obvious choice, but then of course the Arkangel had his own views on that: she doesn’t care, she’ll just shrug.
Better not risk it then…but keeping it to myself would not help.
So speak I did…she looked concerned, but what could she do? What can anyone do, really?
Should I just go home? Admit defeat and exit stage right? Do that to often of course, and some day you won’t be allowed to return (oh yes, probably illegal, oh yes, heartless, but oh yes, inevitable).
So battle on…once again, until it is time to go home.
Something has to change, if it had been low blood pressure no one would have expected me to work, take some time, have something for it, just relaxed, it will be fine. Same for an asthma attack, or diabetes.
Schizophrenia? No. Is it any less crippling, no. Does anyone know or care? No. They’d probably laugh at me for it to be honest.
Someday, at some point, things will change…and I hope this blog entry goes that little way forward and changes things in the mind of those who read it.